The Shape of Things to Come

 Is there anything funnier looking or more appreciated than the main vein? It gets represented in every possible form. Sculpture, naturally occurring flora, cartoon characters, and of course(more than any other) bachelorette party accessories. Head bands, beer bongs, candy, aspirin for the day after....all wiener shaped. It might explain why sex declines in marriage. The lady gets an overdose of it the night before she takes the plunge and probably never wants to see it again. Unless it's attached to McDreamy.

 Is there any difference between someone who handcrafts dildos or someone who harvests cucumbers? Methinks not. It's all under the umbrella of the penis industry. The fleshy Frodo sells alot of products. Immersion blenders, shake weights and even the lowly zucchini owe all their success to being shaped like a sirloin tip. But do I or any other owner of a penis get a cut? Nope. Where's my rod royalties?

 In modern art, nothing shocks like penile imagery. Georgia O'Keefe got away with painting vagina flowers her whole carrer and no one raised an eyebrow. But Robert Mapplethorpe takes a few black and whites of a ding dong wrapped in electrical tape like a holiday roast and everyone freaked out. Obviously, one example is more graphic than the other. That being Georgia O'Keefe. I've learned, as an art student, that using nudity is a quick ticket to the top. traditionally, female nudity is accepted as natural, artistic and reverential. A naked schlong though? Probably commissioned by Satan himself to turn everyone queer.

 Like I said, I have one. It's pretty cool. Keeps me entertained when the cable's out. Keeps me entertained when the cable's on. Have I ever measured it? Sure. For census purposes only, mind you. That is on the census right? Would I ever appear nude for a stage production, art project, dare? Not on your motherfucking life. I'm not ashamed of it. Moreover, I think it's ashamed of me. It would be nude before I would.

Viagra commercials are pretty funny. Especially the one where the guy's truck breaks down and then he gets it started up again. Talk about an obvious metaphor. I think there should be one where a guy is trying to pogostick his way up the Empire State Building and gets tired halfway up. Then he goes back at it with renewed vigor before spilling a milkshake off of the top floor.

Rockets, monuments, obelisks, bad haircuts, hotdogs, rubber fists....all want to be that special appendage in the worst way. Hell, some people insist on acting like one.

One day, when this country is truly free and can think with an open mind(like Europe), I hope the wee wee can show himself without causing such an uprising(sorry, I meant arousing concern). From the presidents of Mount Rushmore having their lower halves carved into the rock to Playgirl centerfolds hanging in the Guggenheim. We need not fear the staff sergeant, but embrace him. It gives life to embryos, makes us all laugh, and is good for swatting pesky flies. And when it stops working, it makes old men go out and buy sports cars(thus supporting our auto industry). Win win.