Thursday, October 27, 2011

Caught with the Meat in your Mouth

So last week some fifty exotic animals were set free by a suicidal weirdo here in middle Ohio. The local law enforcement was, allegedly, forced to gun them all down in the surrounding areas. So while PETA plans its next naked chicks at a pet store sit-in, I have devised some useful way to repurpose all the lion, tiger, bear and monkey corpses.

1. Have master Ohio chef Michael Symon prepare a top notch benefit dinner charging one million dollars per head. The president will of course attend, as he was born in Kenya and grew up eating lion meat. The money can all be sent to the Occupy Wall Street losers so they shut the hell up and move on with their meaningless lives.

2. The pelts can be used to insulate all government facilities(like medieval tapestries on castle walls). Thereby, my taxes will be reduced, because we won't have to pay skyrocketing energy costs. Going green and saving green I say.

3. Sell all the paws of the animals on ETSY as hipster belt buckles and use the proceeds to provide music lessons for all hipster bands. They could use them.

4. Take all the excrement the animals made during their hectic dash for freedom to build a monument to Ohio legislators outside of the state capitol. That would remind them how much their "hard work" has done for the middle class in this state. It could be shaped like an elephant penis, since that's what they insert in the taxpayers' rears every day.

Lastly, I would like to send a personal condolence to Jack Hannah. He is probably the most visible exotic animal activist in the world, and this happened in his back yard. Sorry, Jack, Ohio is the Ukraine of the United States. We barely have livable conditions for working human beings, let alone animals. I'm embarrassed to live here, but this is where my ignorant foreign parents chose to make their home. The Circle of Life here is a circle jerk of dumb hillbillies and rich wasps shitting all over the American flag while they root for the Buckeyes. Wish I was one of those escaped animals.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

WWBT New Vanity Cards

 Howard Stern said Chaz's dance partner was fat. I think she's super hot.

Remember?


This next one almost made me cry/ puke.





I feel kinda bad about the LeBron one. I forgive him. But it was too funny to pass up.



Saturday, October 15, 2011

Death Pool III- Silicon Skeleton Valley

So who had Steve Jobs? Damn, seems like a no brainer(or no pancreaser), but I totally wasn't looking his way. He was so thin you really couldn't see him anyway. The Real Housewife guy? Doesn't count. He's not a real celebrity. Former NFL player Orlando Brown? That one would net you major dough. Actually, besides Jobs, not many good deaths have occurred. I feel like we're on the verge of a real wave of celeb croakings. Just in time for the holidays. I'll take a stab(no, not OJ, even though he is in prison) at some potential pool winners...

Bill Gates. Always competing with Jobsy, the only way to ever win is to top him in death. Bill will surround himself with twenty X-Boxes which will promptly burst into flames(as they are want to do) and immolate himself while listening to "One Bad Apple don't spoil the Bunch" on his Zune. What's a Zune? Exactly.

The big girl from Mike and Molly. She just hosted SNL(curse), got an Emmy(curse) and is now a household name. Which I don't remember. Nobody ever dies while toiling in obscurity. But "making it" will fast track you to Mama Cass land. I can't speculate as to how she'll go, but I feel like a skateboard and the Teen Choice Awards will play some part.

Three Wall street bankers. Not celebs, but currently a hot topic. Just three of them will attempt to turn on their brothers, join the protesting hippies, and then perish from the intense body odor and poor vegan diet. They will be cremated wearing hemp suits by alpaca-dung fueled chimeneas, while the jobless hipster whiners tap out Pumped Up Kicks on their bongo apps(available on I-Pad soon). Best of luck to everyone!

Sticks and Stones may...be Awesome to Throw at Babies



I feel like the blog went horribly wrong somewhere. It was meant to celebrate what society at large found offensive, but I loved. Lately it's been me ranting about things I feel have no redeeming value that most people love. While those rants were filled with exceptional writing, it's time to get back to what inspired me to start this thing. Sidenote: I've been really pissed off at the phoney trust fund baby wannabe protesters on Wall street. I was enraged at their fake liberal sense of purpose and complete ignorance to the real working world. I entered the word "lemmings" into Google and came up with a gem. Lemmings was a National Lampoon recording from 1973 that completely skewered the hippy dippy nonsense of Woodstock by having a massive rock festival where everyone kills themselves.

 It's hysterical(and took away all my pent up fury). It reminded me that Lampoon is the greatest and most tasteless magazine that ever existed. They went after everyone no matter what. Pictured are a few of the best covers. Thank you for reigniting my passion for completely politically incorrect humor.