We're right in the sticky molasses thick of summer in the midwest. I used to find no value in it as a child. As I hit adulthood and discovered beer and cigarettes, it became more tolerable. However, there are just some aspects of summer that will always suck a sidewalk fried egg no matter what. Some can't be avoided and therefore do not qualify as bad taste. Bugs, road construction, mowing the lawn...but other things could easily be eliminated if people had one shred of intelligence or shame.
Bad barbecue skills. Everyone with a grill fancies themself some sort of Bobby Flay. In reality, most people suck at grilling and manage to serve up hockey puck burgers and shoe leather steaks. Being a grillmaster requires alot of practice and knowledge. You can't just run to Wal Mart, buy a cheap grill, a case of Coors light, Open Pit sauce and then invite all your friends over to reenact a well....Coors commercial. I don't remember ever really liking most bbq I've had at peoples' houses. And just because you bought stadium mustard, you are not some kind of rebel or genius. It is only a shade more palatable than French's yellow goop. Want to impress me? make your own mustard or mayo. Then you can walk around like King Coal in your sauce stained apron. Until this improves, I'll still be hitting the drive thru on the way to your house. Shout outs to the true masters who buy exotic meats, marinate properly and have more adventurous sides available than bland potato salad that tastes like leftover Chex cereal milk with potatoes floating in it.
Company picnics. Do we really have to do this? I mean seriously. You tell your employees they suck all year long, that they're bleeding you dry, that they might not have a job in the coming months....but hey, let's throw the frisbee around and have some veggie dip! Of course everyone brings their stupid kids. You have to talk to them in baby talk and pretend you care what their stupid name is. Madison, Marley or Milanesa( the Spanish word for chicken fried steak. Believe me, some idiot probably thought it would make a good girl's name). You have to talk to your boss and thank them for the terrible food, band and lack of alcohol on a Saturday afternoon(when you should be laying on your couch masturbating). Then you get the boss' speech. Oy vey. I'd rather listen to Billy Graham tell me I'll burn eternally in hell than this load of bullshit. "It's been a rough year guys. but thanks to all your hard work(totally lying), we might turn a profit this year. We're going to have to make some sacrifices and come together as a team to make it to the next picnic." All while kids are crying, fat old women are talking about their grandkids and alpha male salesguy is touching his junk while wearing obnoxious sunglasses. No thanks.
Feet. Summer means people with ugly feet parading them around like some Rosebowl float of grotesqueness for all to see. If you're a cute girl in cute flip flops then I got no beef with you. By all means, let it all hang out. But middle aged women with missing toenails(seen it), men in stupid semi athletic mandals and dumb barefoot little kids; put it away. The odds are while you're outside more now, the potential for a horrible foot mangling accident increases tenfold. So why not try a nice pair of Converse, or better yet, galoshes? Arts festivals. How much crappy jewelry and amateur photgraphy does the world really need? I admit I like to attend these. Mostly to feel a sense of community and justify living in the shithole city I call home. I have maybe bought something once at one of these glorified flea markets. How about these street bazaars expand their scope to maybe include home cooks, musicians, barbers, comedians, and brewers instead of just people who make dumb shit out of beads and makers of tie dye dresses? So boring.
Cornhole. Quite possibly the stupidest phenomenon to ever sweep the states. A board with a hole in it and a bean bag to throw in said hole is supposed to be fun? And the custom paint job the boards all sport are twice as dumb. Usually a sports team logo(or even more low class, a college sports team) adorns these future bonfire fuel sources. Bonus for me, some asshole on my street makes these boards in his garage all summer long for sale. How many more do we need? Can't we get Sting, Bono or some other pretentious prick to play a benefit to stop the destruction of forests that provide wood for these eye raping abominations? To think, back in the day great craftsmen made gorgeous furniture that sells for thousands on the antique market now. Something tells me cornhole boards are not going to be as desirable in the future.So that's it. The worst parts of summer according to one grizzled vet of thirty plus midwestern summers. The positive is fall will be here in mere weeks and ruin all these morons' good times.
Oh, and also radios tuned to classic rock stations in back yards across the land. Just don't do it. We've all heard enough Bad Company to last us a lifetime.
