Murdering Milfs: Hot or Not

 I feel like the blog has gotten away from its true roots of disgusting behavior and tasteless commentary. In order to redeem myself, I latch on to the current hot topic sure to offend most people with children- mothers who kill their babies. And how they rate on a scale of hotness.

Susan Smith initially claimed a black fellow had carjacked her and taken her kids away to star in a UPN sitcom. This later proved false when she admitted to drowning them in said car. Hotness: 4. Not very attractive, but the crazy makes her a wee bit hot. I dig the glasses and creative storytelling.

 Andrea Yates drowned her FIVE kids in her bath tub due to post partum depression. Okay, after the first two I could see post partum maybe working as a defense, but FIVE? You finally got it after the fifth kid? She was from Texas which I think is a better defense in itself. Everyone from Texas is somewhat crazy. Hotness: 2. I appreciate that she was very involved in her kids' cleanliness, if a bit too much so. But that hair? That's a crime in itself.

 The current postergirl for murderous moms, Casey Anthony. Still on trial and the inspiration for this post. Hotness: a solid 7. Maybe even an 8. Has there ever been a prettier young lady on trial for babycide? Doubt it. We still don't know if she really did it. The jury could pull an OJ and completely disregard the evidence and declare her not guilty. But did she ever appear in Hertz commercials or Naked Gun movies? No. Godspeed Casey. Your only hope is your angelic face and Mormon inspired trial wardrobe.

Bavmorda, the evil queen from the movie Willow, tried to kill an infant prophecized to be the new queen as well as her own daughter Sorsha(played by the impossibly hot Melanie Mayron). She failed, so she doesn't really score points for getting the job done. Plus she was old and wore a horrible getup. She was pretty fucking evil however. Seeing as how she could maybe shapeshift and turn herself into a half naked extra from Conan the Barbarian, I will give her a 5.

 

Last is Medina, Ohio's own Audrey Iacona. This was a huge case around these parts back when I was in high school. She gave birth to a child on a WEIGHT BENCH then promptly suffocated the lil tike in a plastic bag. I have no confirmed pic of this former cheerleader, so the accompanying image will have to suffice. Seeing as how she was a cheerleader, she must at least rate a 7 or more. Her trial inspired my friend HogWild's college radio parody of Rare Earth's "I Just Want to Celebrate" titled " I Just Want to Incinerate(incinerate my baby)".

I'm sure there are scores of other cases in this vein, but these are the ones that really stand out to me. None of these women are as hot as female teachers who boink their students, but they went the extra mile over the cliff of crazy and actually took human life. Say what you want about housewives, but when properly motivated, they can accomplish tremendous feats that go down in history. While looking somewhat F-able at the same time. Wish I had written this on Mother's Day.

Crown of Shite

It's been a week since "local" hero, King James, stunk up the NBA finals with his abysmal, pouty play. This ultimately resulted in the far classier Dallas Mavericks winning the title. A lot has been said about this clown, about Cleveland's poor attitude. I was going to let sleeping dogs lie, but I had the misfortune of reading a Forbes article defending this idiot, lambasting his detractors, and going so far as to play the race card and say the majority "white" press and fans hate him for being a powerful black man. Never mind that the Mavs are mostly black or that alot of the African American fans in this town hate his guts. Or that through time immemorial, this "racist" country has rooted for black athletes.  If you're not from Cleveland, you don't get it. But he used us, abandoned us and then talked trash about us(including how neighboring Akron in fact hates Cleveland). So here I present my own personal top Tweets from the day after he quit yet again. For nothing else than my own personal enjoyment and archival purposes. We hold grudges here. For a long time. Trust me. Are we haters? Yes. And proud of it...

"It's true Bron, Cleveland does hate Akron. We drive down there to throw trash on the ground. If there's a spot not already full of trash."

"The founder of AA came from Akron. Guess all they make is quitters down there."

"How'd that get past the censors? They showed a chicken choking on ABC last night."

"The French army just retired LeBron's jersey."

"Akron specializes in making things that get bounced. Tires and playoff chokers."

"Anyone remember that famous duo from Miami? Crocko'shit and Flubs?"

"Nike introduces new GPS shoe, so they can find LeBron during the game."

"LeBaby is like a retiree. He moved to Florida and stopped working."

"That's twice this year a gutless tyrant has fallen from power while hiding out on a Sunday night."

"Most high school athletes can just work for their fathers after they fail at pro sports. If they know who their dad is."

"Someday he will get into the hall of fame. The high school basketball hall of fame."

"St. Vincent issues apology for passing LeBastard thru all those years of English class."
"Hey LeBron, any big Father's Day plans with your old man, Delonte?"

And the all time killer....

"It's sad when an athlete peaks in high school".

Mr. Johnson goes to Washington

So Anthony Weiner finally threw in the semen soaked towel and resigned. Shame. I have no idea what his Congressional record is, but the fact he had to leave the hallowed intern fondling halls of our capitol over sending some pix of his doodle to some ladies is ridiculous. As I stated in an earlier post, the penis is public enemy number one in America and the subject of eternal folly. In Europe, the legislators openly run around with their pants down, arm in arm with their mistresses. But not in moral America! Here if you so much as say the word masturbation, your career is pretty much over. Sure the guy is a narcissistic creep. No one really wanted to see that veiny ghoul in his birthday suit. It's just funny how we've forgotten the worst environmental disaster EVER a mere year later, but were all up in arms about some guy's branch of government.

I was at a barbecue recently where the majority of the folks were thirty something, childless goths with crappy jobs. The topics of conversation ranged from the genetic curse of small breasts to everyone's pubic hair shaving proclivities. It was open, frank and refreshing. The bulk of the people sharing being ladies. I am not used to this kind of honesty with girls. It's usually around dudes at work. If only the whole nation could drop it's hangups about sex and just TALK!! Maybe if Weiner's colleagues, wife and admirers were so open minded, we wouldn't have to waste our time worrying about such a stupid occurence.

The country is built around sex. We sell stuff with it, to get it, to enhance it, and even to prevent it. It is the thing that drives most men, and drives most women to depression. Do you think the troops overseas care about if some guy is Tweeting his Twanger to the world at large. Doubt it. They probably want to make sure they'll have proper equipment in the battlefield and benefits when they come home. Did the civil rights movement get derailed during the era of free love? Nope. Some things are just way more frigging important. So, I'm sorry Mr. Weiner, you picked the wrong job in the wrong country and the wrong vehicle with which to rock out with your junior staffer out. I'm sure he'll turn up on his feet somehow. Elliot Spitzer, Clinton and Pee Wee did. Your time will come(no pun intended). Just hang low and wait out the crisis. In the meantime, why not try other social media besides Twitter? How about MySpace or LiveJournal? Believe me, nobody will see your dick there.

Oh, and he should totally be the grand marshall at the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest this summer.

Getting Railed

 I used to ride Amtrak alot. Despite the constant tardiness, middle of the night departure times, and getting dropped off in the worst neighborhoods in major metropolises; it is still more comfortable and relaxing than flying. Fuck flying. Hate it. How often do you hear of a derailment versus a plane crash? About 1 to 10. Plus train seating is super comfy, you can walk around without someone thinking you are a terrorist, and you won't die because some idiot forgot to de-ice the train.

The fares used to be way cheaper than flying. But post 9-11, with people trying to not die via religious fanatics hijacking their shit, it has become not so cheap. I get that. Recently I went on their website to see what fares were these days. Outrageous. Then I checked the pet policy. Apparently, you can have a service animal accompany you. But not, the following:

Comfort animals. This includes psychiatrist parrots, Lassie or frogs that you lick for psychotropic effects.

Pets. According to them, this means any animal which performs no specific function. This would apply to children in my book.
Search and rescue dogs. Yeah...no chance you'll need them after the train hits an acorn and spills out all over the Tennessee valley.
Police dogs- unless approved by the Amtrak police. Amtrak police means as much to me as stadium security. Formerly homeless people given baths and badges to walk around somewhere and do nothing.

Here's a good Amtrak story. One night in 2002, I stopped in New Orleans en route to Fort Myers, Florida. I had a four hour layover, so I took a cab down to the French Quarter. After hanging out there, I came back to discover my train would be another four hours away. It's midnight and I'm in the Amtrak/ Greyhound station. And you know what Greyhound means. Bus people. It was a nightmare. I had to keep moving away from some guy who had a bunch of garbage bags that kept trying to sit by me. And some other young hooligan wanted to sell me pot in the bathroom. I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I was so late however, that I was going to miss my connecting train in Orlando. So I hopped off at Tallahassee(in the hood, natch) and rented a car to go the rest of the way. Some real Amazing Race shit. And this was before smartphones!

Anyhow, I hope one day to ride the rails again like an old timey hobo. "Boxcar Blogger" will be my handle. And I'll whip up some of my famous hobo chili using secret hobo spices. That line is from something, but I can't remember what.

Porno Chic for the Whole Family

 Is there anything uglier than wood panneling? Signs point to No. I hang out in my antiquated wood paneled basement all winter long in the dark and never notice the atrocity that it is. But come summer, thanks to lack of air conditioning, I am forced to hang out down here during the daytime. It is then that I have to endure the visual rape to my eyeballs that is the decor du jour of the 60's and 70's. What the fuck were those people thinking? We had drywall then. Why not put it everywhere? Nope. Basement had to be wood paneled. The background of millions of hairy bushed pornos, uncomfortable family gatherings and massive drug consumption.                 

 There are no good memories attached to wood paneling. Only summers of centipede fearing sun avoidance, grandma's disapproving frowns of your career choice at Thanksgiving dinner, or botched sexual exploits(mostly involving just one person). I always told myself when I bought a house that I would not have a basement, but a cool upper floor replite with a balcony. Energy prices and practicality intervened, and I ended up in a ranch with a basement. I love it now, as it has become my man cave(God, I hate that term). But the wood paneling just ruins it ever so slightly.

I don't know. Maybe I am too enthralled by my peers' finished basements with the flat screens, nice paint jobs, and modern furniture. Wood panel old school chic actually helps some bars stay afloat. People want to relive those very same shitty memories I have for a premium. They consider it kitschy. They all live in apartments and don't have to face the reality of 1974 staring them in the face every fucking day. I guess it's a love hate relationship. I love that I can pound thousands of nails into it to hang up things to cover it up without worrying about degrading it's value. And I hate that it was ever created. Because it is the ugliest home furnishing ever. Along with baby gates.

Mirror Ball Busters

A confluence of events has led to me writing about that most tasteless of musical genres, disco. I bought some Midori, the watermelon liquor that debuted at Studio 54. I like to have some Midori cocktails when it gets hot out, in lieu of eating actual watermelon, which I detest. Second, I saw a Goldfrapp video today. Third, the horrible movie, 54, was on tv today. It stars the shit movie mainstays, Mike Myers and Ryan Phillipe. It got me to thinking about my favorite dance songs. Let it be known, I love all things disco, from Saturday Night Fever to bell bottoms to Disco Stu from the Simpsons. I love the music, horrible fashion, and extreme decadence that defined Studio 54. It was superficial, vapid and completely reckless(during the onset of AIDS and coke addiction).

In honor of that most self centered, hedonistic period of American history, I present my top ten favorite dance songs. I could do a list of weird, outsider dance songs, but they are covered to death in music blogs. I provide this simply as a soundtrack to your own coke fueled, self destructive boogie wonderland.

10.Hey Ladies- the Beastie Boys

9. Around the World- Daft Punk

8. Disco Inferno- the Trammps

7. Days Go By- Dirty Vegas

6. Ooh La La- Goldfrapp

5. Dancing Queen- ABBA

Honorable mention- Get Crazy- LMFAO(the theme to Jersey Shore)

4. Hung Up- Madonna

3. Big Time Sensuality- Bjork

2. The Hustle- Van McCoy

1. Groove is in the Heart- Dee Lite                                         

To quote Craig Kilborn, "All I want to do is dance...dance...DANCE!"