Thursday, August 18, 2011

Put Your Feet Up, Sit a Spell, you Slob

There is no home furnishing more tasteless than the recliner. Always ratty, seldom comfortable, and stained. And habitually occupied by people equally as ratty and stained. I of course love a classy leather armchair. Something with rivets up and down the arms. I even like a stand alone, dainty Louis XIV wannabe throne. Or a nice mod chair, all rounded and grooving to its own beat. But the recliner(and it's despicable inbred cousin, the sectional) turns any room into a Goodwill. Or worse yet, a bad sitcom set.

Face it, you have this preconceived notion of an "easy chair" being a place to just melt into a bowl of nachos and primetime tv. A "Lazy- Boy" if you will. You crank the lever, kick your feet up and you are in the gynocological visit position from planet relax. But where do I put my drink? Of course a coffee table is not within reach, because you need room to kick out that extending scissory mini surfboard for your tired dogs. Okay, well how about the remote? Fuck. It's on the coffee table. Fine. I'll just curl up with this pillow and reach for the lamp so I can read....FUUUUCK!!! Can't reach anything because this so called oasis of leisure is really a Bermuda Triangle of ugly. Yeah, no one has ever taken a good picture in a recliner. You're always passed out, mouth agape, crumbs on shirt. You're not posed like some Renaissance era royal portrait. And double bad when the shit has any form of plaid on it. Ick.

I like couches myself. You get tired, you lay down. Recliner? Get about as comfortable as an airline seat. Wanna have your favorite pooch snuggle with you? Couch got you. On a recliner, not gonna happen. Lose the remote in the couch, just dig in the cushions. Lose it in a recliner? Prepare to lose a hand. And let's not forget the unholy doilies that can go on recliner arms. They are like epaulets for a military jacket in the army of hillbilly. I guess a lot of single men need a good recliner they can play XBox, masturbate and fart on. Yeah, I'm not coming to your house, loser. Oh shit! The worst part, and this goes for fold out couches....MOVING! Moving furniture that opens is as safe as juggling Swiss army knives.

Have I ever owned a recliner? For a short time, yes. It was a chartreuse green garbage pick that was completely uncomfortable. Had it about two years. The color made up for its utter uselessness. Did I bother moving it when the time came? Fuck no. Went in the dumpster. Well, next to the dumpster. The best sound is hearing one get crunched up by a garbage truck. I write this from my couch. With my feet up on the coffee table, byotch.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Alpha Fail

There is nothing funnier than watching alpha males do themselves in. It is inevitable. When you talk shit, walk tall and think the world is your oyster simply because you have muscles or an "outgoing personality"(which translates to obnoxious, boring loudmouth), you pretty much invite life to knock you down. If it was just muscles, I could just laugh it off. Muscles will only score you a vacuous female, a ridiculous wardrobe and a car with a spoiler on it. No, it's more the un-muscley, overly assertive types that really piss me off. Guys who think because they have a bachelor's degree in history, a group of frat brother assholes that they golf with or a passion for whitewater rafting, that they are somehow the undisputed kings of modern society. They think that their overly aggressive output of testosterone makes up for the fact that they are really boring. I even more so hate the weiner guys who look like me or have shitty jobs that think by adopting an alpha outlook on life, that somehow things are going to turn around for them. Sounds like some real beta talk, huh? I guess. I wear the label with pride. It's my learning experience that the true great accomplishments of civilization have been attributed to betas.

 Understand, this goes deeper than jock vs. nerd. This is bullshitter/favored son vs. the rest of us who never got a leg up in life. Alphas can be twerps(Bush, Anthony Bourdain, Lance Armstrong, Bill O'Reilly...to name a few). And betas can be manly(John Stockton, Douglas Macarthur, Leonard Nimoy...that doesn't really make sense). I just tire of the loudest talkers making all the decisions that impact society anymore. It used to be that thoughtful, understanding and passive men moved the world. They wrote the great books, acted in the best movies and orchestrated the greatest sports victories. Now it's just the guy in a fifty dollar haircut and spraytan that pull the strings. The Entourage-ization of the world. The Judd Apatows, the dot com billionaires and Grey Goose sipping set. The Mad Men, the faux hawk sporting  Dos Equis most interesting men in the world. Aren't we tired of this Spike tv/Men's Health caricature of what a man should be? I know I am.

So anyway, the best thing is watching these wannabe Don Drapers fall flat on their faces. Tiger Woods. Nerd? Yes. Alpha? Yes. Hilarious failure? Most certainly. Most convicted CEO's, politicos and bankers? Alphas. All funny to watch trotted into court in orange jumpsuits. Dane Cook? Fuck, say no more. He was finished before he ever started. Sorry, braaaahhhhh....

Some betas have found a modicum of success. Louis CK is the current king of comedy. The champion San Francisco Giants are all pretty much weirdo outsiders now. A 180 degree turn from the meathead era of Barry Bonds. More fitting for the Bay Area and baseball(a nerd sport) in general. And most music now is being produced by betas, as opposed to the last decade when rap metal, Nickelback and Jay Z ruled the charts. Now the nerds and femme artistes are in charge. I generalize and blur timelines of course, but the sea change is evident. Talking big and wearing "mission accomplished" flightsuits got us into this current state of brainless acceptance of mediocrity. It is my hope that thoughtfulness and imagination will again rule the world as it did during all the other great eras of civilization. Who do you think of when you hear "the Renaissance"? The kings and barons of the time or DaVinci and Michaelangelo? The American revolution- tea party attendee "X" or Ben Franklin? The birth of tv and radio- the head of NBC or Milton Berle? I'm not saying uncle Milty was a beta(shit, the man was rumored to have a fourteen inch cock). But you get the idea.

As for musclebound freaks, they always (as the cliche goes) peak in high school. That is unfortunate for a beta like me, because they end up working in the same places as me. I am subjected to their roid rage caveman intellect on a daily basis. Is it not punishment enough that my lack of aggressiveness landed me in retail hell? Do I really have to work with these Al Bundy's now? And then the alpha shit talker is in charge of the whole operation? I'm really tired of it. And when I have to go buy a car, vote, or switch on my tv, be subjected to the alpha male sales pitch? Entirely too tired of that.

Again, I am proud to be beta. It means I listen before I talk. Think before I act. Don't listen to sports talk 24/7. Let's put it this way...I watched Muppet Babies(totally identified with Gonzo, thought Kermit was sorta alpha) and Monty Python growing up. Alphas watched Die Hard and listened to Springsteen. Who would you rather be stuck talking with at a party?


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Death Pool- Rechlorinated

So who had Winehouse? The guy from Warrant or Jeff Conaway? Shit, Sherwood Schwartz? Looking back at my old deathpool post, I definitely was not hip to the current trend in celeb death, drugs(except Schwartz, I believe he was mauled by his pet giant squid. Damn Hollywood eccentrics). The people I picked last time were all ridiculously old, and still ridiculously among the living. So it looks like I better pick some new ones...

Going with the trend of troubled musicians, I select DMX. He is constantly in and out of jail, reportedly doing either crack or meth and all around batshit crazy. I'm pretty confident in this one.

As for ex therapy recipients of Dr. Drew, I select Amy Fisher. Not really known for drug use or DUI's, she may seem a longshot. But her troubled past and general scuzziness make her a 30% safe bet on kicking the Long Island Lolita Iced Tea bucket within the next six months.

Now I still have to go with my oldie moldies. But it needs to be someone more obscure who you don't see so much anymore. Doris Roberts and Jerry Stiller, you're right out. No, I think the proper pick would be Tommy Lasorda, former manager of the Dodgers. All those years of pounding Slim Fast have to finally catch up with him. Expect him to go sometime before the fall classic so that the whole series can be ruined by memorials and sappy black arm bands.

There should be a televised death pool fantasy league. Like how they show poker on every station after two in the morning. More interesting than poker, less fruity than fantasy football.