Thursday, June 2, 2011

Porno Chic for the Whole Family

 Is there anything uglier than wood panneling? Signs point to No. I hang out in my antiquated wood paneled basement all winter long in the dark and never notice the atrocity that it is. But come summer, thanks to lack of air conditioning, I am forced to hang out down here during the daytime. It is then that I have to endure the visual rape to my eyeballs that is the decor du jour of the 60's and 70's. What the fuck were those people thinking? We had drywall then. Why not put it everywhere? Nope. Basement had to be wood paneled. The background of millions of hairy bushed pornos, uncomfortable family gatherings and massive drug consumption.                 
 There are no good memories attached to wood paneling. Only summers of centipede fearing sun avoidance, grandma's disapproving frowns of your career choice at Thanksgiving dinner, or botched sexual exploits(mostly involving just one person). I always told myself when I bought a house that I would not have a basement, but a cool upper floor replite with a balcony. Energy prices and practicality intervened, and I ended up in a ranch with a basement. I love it now, as it has become my man cave(God, I hate that term). But the wood paneling just ruins it ever so slightly.
I don't know. Maybe I am too enthralled by my peers' finished basements with the flat screens, nice paint jobs, and modern furniture. Wood panel old school chic actually helps some bars stay afloat. People want to relive those very same shitty memories I have for a premium. They consider it kitschy. They all live in apartments and don't have to face the reality of 1974 staring them in the face every fucking day. I guess it's a love hate relationship. I love that I can pound thousands of nails into it to hang up things to cover it up without worrying about degrading it's value. And I hate that it was ever created. Because it is the ugliest home furnishing ever. Along with baby gates.

No comments:

Post a Comment