Put Your Feet Up, Sit a Spell, you Slob

There is no home furnishing more tasteless than the recliner. Always ratty, seldom comfortable, and stained. And habitually occupied by people equally as ratty and stained. I of course love a classy leather armchair. Something with rivets up and down the arms. I even like a stand alone, dainty Louis XIV wannabe throne. Or a nice mod chair, all rounded and grooving to its own beat. But the recliner(and it's despicable inbred cousin, the sectional) turns any room into a Goodwill. Or worse yet, a bad sitcom set.

Face it, you have this preconceived notion of an "easy chair" being a place to just melt into a bowl of nachos and primetime tv. A "Lazy- Boy" if you will. You crank the lever, kick your feet up and you are in the gynocological visit position from planet relax. But where do I put my drink? Of course a coffee table is not within reach, because you need room to kick out that extending scissory mini surfboard for your tired dogs. Okay, well how about the remote? Fuck. It's on the coffee table. Fine. I'll just curl up with this pillow and reach for the lamp so I can read....FUUUUCK!!! Can't reach anything because this so called oasis of leisure is really a Bermuda Triangle of ugly. Yeah, no one has ever taken a good picture in a recliner. You're always passed out, mouth agape, crumbs on shirt. You're not posed like some Renaissance era royal portrait. And double bad when the shit has any form of plaid on it. Ick.

I like couches myself. You get tired, you lay down. Recliner? Get about as comfortable as an airline seat. Wanna have your favorite pooch snuggle with you? Couch got you. On a recliner, not gonna happen. Lose the remote in the couch, just dig in the cushions. Lose it in a recliner? Prepare to lose a hand. And let's not forget the unholy doilies that can go on recliner arms. They are like epaulets for a military jacket in the army of hillbilly. I guess a lot of single men need a good recliner they can play XBox, masturbate and fart on. Yeah, I'm not coming to your house, loser. Oh shit! The worst part, and this goes for fold out couches....MOVING! Moving furniture that opens is as safe as juggling Swiss army knives.

Have I ever owned a recliner? For a short time, yes. It was a chartreuse green garbage pick that was completely uncomfortable. Had it about two years. The color made up for its utter uselessness. Did I bother moving it when the time came? Fuck no. Went in the dumpster. Well, next to the dumpster. The best sound is hearing one get crunched up by a garbage truck. I write this from my couch. With my feet up on the coffee table, byotch.