Alpha Fail

There is nothing funnier than watching alpha males do themselves in. It is inevitable. When you talk shit, walk tall and think the world is your oyster simply because you have muscles or an "outgoing personality"(which translates to obnoxious, boring loudmouth), you pretty much invite life to knock you down. If it was just muscles, I could just laugh it off. Muscles will only score you a vacuous female, a ridiculous wardrobe and a car with a spoiler on it. No, it's more the un-muscley, overly assertive types that really piss me off. Guys who think because they have a bachelor's degree in history, a group of frat brother assholes that they golf with or a passion for whitewater rafting, that they are somehow the undisputed kings of modern society. They think that their overly aggressive output of testosterone makes up for the fact that they are really boring. I even more so hate the weiner guys who look like me or have shitty jobs that think by adopting an alpha outlook on life, that somehow things are going to turn around for them. Sounds like some real beta talk, huh? I guess. I wear the label with pride. It's my learning experience that the true great accomplishments of civilization have been attributed to betas.

 Understand, this goes deeper than jock vs. nerd. This is bullshitter/favored son vs. the rest of us who never got a leg up in life. Alphas can be twerps(Bush, Anthony Bourdain, Lance Armstrong, Bill O'Reilly...to name a few). And betas can be manly(John Stockton, Douglas Macarthur, Leonard Nimoy...that doesn't really make sense). I just tire of the loudest talkers making all the decisions that impact society anymore. It used to be that thoughtful, understanding and passive men moved the world. They wrote the great books, acted in the best movies and orchestrated the greatest sports victories. Now it's just the guy in a fifty dollar haircut and spraytan that pull the strings. The Entourage-ization of the world. The Judd Apatows, the dot com billionaires and Grey Goose sipping set. The Mad Men, the faux hawk sporting  Dos Equis most interesting men in the world. Aren't we tired of this Spike tv/Men's Health caricature of what a man should be? I know I am.

So anyway, the best thing is watching these wannabe Don Drapers fall flat on their faces. Tiger Woods. Nerd? Yes. Alpha? Yes. Hilarious failure? Most certainly. Most convicted CEO's, politicos and bankers? Alphas. All funny to watch trotted into court in orange jumpsuits. Dane Cook? Fuck, say no more. He was finished before he ever started. Sorry, braaaahhhhh....

Some betas have found a modicum of success. Louis CK is the current king of comedy. The champion San Francisco Giants are all pretty much weirdo outsiders now. A 180 degree turn from the meathead era of Barry Bonds. More fitting for the Bay Area and baseball(a nerd sport) in general. And most music now is being produced by betas, as opposed to the last decade when rap metal, Nickelback and Jay Z ruled the charts. Now the nerds and femme artistes are in charge. I generalize and blur timelines of course, but the sea change is evident. Talking big and wearing "mission accomplished" flightsuits got us into this current state of brainless acceptance of mediocrity. It is my hope that thoughtfulness and imagination will again rule the world as it did during all the other great eras of civilization. Who do you think of when you hear "the Renaissance"? The kings and barons of the time or DaVinci and Michaelangelo? The American revolution- tea party attendee "X" or Ben Franklin? The birth of tv and radio- the head of NBC or Milton Berle? I'm not saying uncle Milty was a beta(shit, the man was rumored to have a fourteen inch cock). But you get the idea.

As for musclebound freaks, they always (as the cliche goes) peak in high school. That is unfortunate for a beta like me, because they end up working in the same places as me. I am subjected to their roid rage caveman intellect on a daily basis. Is it not punishment enough that my lack of aggressiveness landed me in retail hell? Do I really have to work with these Al Bundy's now? And then the alpha shit talker is in charge of the whole operation? I'm really tired of it. And when I have to go buy a car, vote, or switch on my tv, be subjected to the alpha male sales pitch? Entirely too tired of that.

Again, I am proud to be beta. It means I listen before I talk. Think before I act. Don't listen to sports talk 24/7. Let's put it this way...I watched Muppet Babies(totally identified with Gonzo, thought Kermit was sorta alpha) and Monty Python growing up. Alphas watched Die Hard and listened to Springsteen. Who would you rather be stuck talking with at a party?