Pig's Kin

Football season is upon us once more. This morning I drove downtown to take in some tailgating. This is always a carnival of bad taste. Gigantic grills covered in every kind of meat stuffed into another meat....into a tortilla into another kind of meat. Girls wearing Mardi Gras beads(the default accessory for partying) and cut off football jerseys. Old school buses converted into taverns on wheels. Good stuff. But the truly tasteless aspects of football are often overlooked. For those, we need to consult NFL FIlms or even the lowly ESPN Classic to dredge up the awful memories of football past.

My favorite moment ever is when quarterback, Joe Theisman(ironic name) snapped his leg in half during a game. It is hands down THE most awesome sports injury ever! Except for maybe those snopes videos where weightlifters blowout their rectums trying to dead lift a Hummer. Now we have to deal with his visage and nonsensical commentary on tv. Truly, the real sufferers are the viewers.

Next is one of the only things to ever surpass the smartphone in terms of technological brilliance. I speak of course about the Sports Illustrated football phone. It could only be attained by getting a subscription to said shit rag. Is it a football? Is it a phone? Umm, it's just a phone. But chick magnet? Definitely. I never had one, because I was too busy subscribing to Nintendo Power and Marvel Comics. Boy, those entities surely went out of style. Wait. They didn't. Speaking of SI, what's the deal with the Swimsuit Issue? It's like porn for guys who are too embarrassed to buy Maxim. I've been more titillated by baseball cards with Marge Schott on them. Don't get the reference? Sorry, twenty year olds.

Lastly, the most offensive thing about football is the level of criminal activity pervasive in the sport. Drug use, domestic violence, tax evasion, domestic violence, steroids and domestic violence. From Rapelesberger to Lawrence Taylor to the all time superbowl champ of wife beating, OJ Simpson. Sometimes you just can't leave all that aggression on the field. Why not treat your significant other as a tackling dummy? Glad to have you back millionaire babies, entertain me. Just try to not run over anyone(Cleveland's own Donte Stallworth) or throw a bitch out a window(Cleveland's own Jim Brown, allegedly). That kind of behavior is reserved for politicians these days.