Caught with the Meat in your Mouth

So last week some fifty exotic animals were set free by a suicidal weirdo here in middle Ohio. The local law enforcement was, allegedly, forced to gun them all down in the surrounding areas. So while PETA plans its next naked chicks at a pet store sit-in, I have devised some useful way to repurpose all the lion, tiger, bear and monkey corpses.

1. Have master Ohio chef Michael Symon prepare a top notch benefit dinner charging one million dollars per head. The president will of course attend, as he was born in Kenya and grew up eating lion meat. The money can all be sent to the Occupy Wall Street losers so they shut the hell up and move on with their meaningless lives.

2. The pelts can be used to insulate all government facilities(like medieval tapestries on castle walls). Thereby, my taxes will be reduced, because we won't have to pay skyrocketing energy costs. Going green and saving green I say.

3. Sell all the paws of the animals on ETSY as hipster belt buckles and use the proceeds to provide music lessons for all hipster bands. They could use them.

4. Take all the excrement the animals made during their hectic dash for freedom to build a monument to Ohio legislators outside of the state capitol. That would remind them how much their "hard work" has done for the middle class in this state. It could be shaped like an elephant penis, since that's what they insert in the taxpayers' rears every day.

Lastly, I would like to send a personal condolence to Jack Hannah. He is probably the most visible exotic animal activist in the world, and this happened in his back yard. Sorry, Jack, Ohio is the Ukraine of the United States. We barely have livable conditions for working human beings, let alone animals. I'm embarrassed to live here, but this is where my ignorant foreign parents chose to make their home. The Circle of Life here is a circle jerk of dumb hillbillies and rich wasps shitting all over the American flag while they root for the Buckeyes. Wish I was one of those escaped animals.