Senator: Mr. Ball, were you aware that Mr. Armstrong was pressuring his team mates to receive weird blood transfusions in almost completely unsanitary hotel rooms, take performance enhancing injections, and consume the hearts of young Afghan orphans?
Ball: Good sirs, I was removed from Lance's protective satchel well before he began these strange rituals. Though I was present for the steroid usage. I threatened to report him to the Tour officials and he had me forcibly ejected under the false pretense that I was cancerous. I assure you gentlemen, I have never caused any malignant trauma to any other living thing. I was blackballed, pardon the pun, for being honest.
Senator: Are we to believe that you were falsely labeled a "banana seat behemoth" by medical professionals and surgically evicted from Mr. Armstrong's nut huggers against your will?
Ball: That is 100% true, Senator. He coveted that yellow jersey and no person or spherical flesh wad was going to get in his way. I paid dearly for his ten speed bloodlust. I couldn't work for five years, my wife left me, and I was stripped of my license from the Texas Bar Association.
Senator 2: Mr. Ball, were you present for Mr. Armstrong's lascivious romance with horse faced pop singer Sheryl Crow?
Ball: Yes, Senator, I was. While not in the actual scrotal domicile, I was being kept in a jar for possible reintroduction to the groin should I comply with the team's objectives. It was my "probationary period".
Senator 2: And did you witness any sexual relations between these two ghouls?
Ball: Yes I did. Senator, I fail to see how this is relevant.
Senator 2: Just answer the questions, Mr. Ball. Did she or did she not shoot Malibu beach seawater across the room from her "rehearsal space" into Mr. Armstrong's mouth? This is relevant, sir, because Mr. Armstrong tested positive for female hormones and beluga semen. We just need to know if Ms. Crow was involved in this conspiracy.
Ball: Yes, Senator. I did witness this projectile moistening. It got all over the walls and Mr. Armstrong's collection of autographed yellow bracelets.
Senator 3: Mr. Ball, were you ever present for oily homoerotic wrestling sessions between Mr. Armstrong and sub par Hollywood actor, Matthew McConaughey?
Ball: Yes, Senator, I was. They would shoot anabolic steroids, run on the beach, touch penises and then say "no homo". It was a disgusting sight, gentlemen.
Senator 3: Well, I think we've heard all we needed to hear. Thank you, Mr. Ball for your testimony. We wish you success in your future endeavors. The process of stripping this spandex clad charlatan of his titles could not have been possible without you.
Ball: Thank you, gentlemen. I just want the most popular sport in the world to remain pure and for people who abuse the public trust to pay for their misdeeds. I hope that all this suffering and subterfuge wasn't all for nut, er, naught.
No comments:
Post a Comment