I Was a Teenage Dodo- a Yelp True Story

About a year ago some of my Yelp pals and I decided to create fake profiles just to interrupt the monotony of everyday computing. First off, for those not in the know, Yelp is the premier user generated review site that focuses on dining and other services. Their IPO is set to make a big splash soon (Or it's already happened. I don't keep up with it day to day). This is a huge step for the scrappy San Fran tech startup that is basically a place where socially awkward young folks talk about the various ways they would eat bacon out of their own assholes. It can be pretty bland most of the time. Multiple reviews of the same ten hot restaurants in town. And the Rock Hall. So enter fake reviewers. Some were too wild and were dispatched right away. Like Marisa the party girl who would proposition practically every male on the message boards. Second to go was a guido who had about three catch phrases he would use in every review. He lasted a couple months. Last was an antagonist young emo-ish girl. We had our fun, no harm done. But then there was Doreen.

She was my personal creation. A blond Warren, Ohio born NASCAR reporter with a love for craft beer, movie car chases and dumping guys. I have no idea where all the details came from. They just sort of happened. But the more reviews I wrote as "Dodo", and interactions on message boards, the more she felt real. She was so damn cool I almost wish she had been real. We would have been besties. In fact, the pic of us together is actually a pic of Kate Gosselin's ex with some random girl he partied with(with my face cleverly, but sloppily, in his stead). Was it the funniest hoax ever? God, no. I took fleshing her character out so seriously that I kind of moved past the whole point of having fake profiles in the first place- laughs. I don't think many people caught on, as I tried to make her as believable as possible. This is evidenced by me actually watching NASCAR for an entire season for background info(much to the chagrin of my wife). I kind of got into racing for a bit, but now I will never watch it again. Or will I...?

Tons of people have fake personas online. Especially on Twitter. But Yelpers are so painfully serious that I think in that community it is rare. Dodo lasted about eight months before I pulled her plug out of boredom. I had accomplished what I set out to do. But now I kind of miss her. Some feel posting fake reviews is detrimental to the questionable validity of Yelp itself. I sort of agree. Which is why fifty or so of her reviews were actually my own that I "gave" to her. They were real experiences, just by me, not her. Except for the five or so about NASCAR. Those never happened. My ultimate goal was to get her promoted to Elite status and maybe have people waiting around for her at events. That never happened. Maybe people knew? I doubt it. I never received any threatening emails about fake profiles(as others had). She was almost so believable that no one even batted an eye when she mentioned me in reviews or posts. Some of my not so close Yelp pals were genuinely shocked to learn she wasn't real. In the end, what this post is really about, is to honor the memory of dear sweet Doreen. Fuck Whitney Houston. Right now I miss that spunky stock car enthusiast/ shopaholic more than any real piece of shit celebrity(or relative, for that matter).


It is very liberating to have a fake online persona. You can say things you'd never say, live events you never lived. Inspire masturbatory fantasies for people you would never really want to know. My regret is I never got a penis pic in her email. That would have made her legit. Like that other completely worthless media fabrication, Nicki Minaj.