Bruce!!!

Frankenvisions!!!

 What Pat Robertson sees in the satellite imagery of the mighty storm, and what caused it to attack the gay liberal east coast...

Mr. Ball Goes to Washington

Excerpt from day 2 of Congressional testimony by disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong's removed cancerous testicle.

Senator: Mr. Ball, were you aware that Mr. Armstrong  was pressuring his team mates to receive weird blood transfusions in almost completely unsanitary hotel rooms, take performance enhancing injections, and consume the hearts of young Afghan orphans?

Ball: Good sirs, I was removed from Lance's protective satchel well before he began these strange rituals. Though I was present for the steroid usage. I threatened to report him to the Tour officials and he had me forcibly ejected under the false pretense that I was cancerous. I assure you gentlemen, I have never caused any malignant trauma to any other living thing. I was blackballed, pardon the pun, for being honest.

Senator: Are we to believe that you were falsely labeled a "banana seat behemoth" by medical professionals and surgically evicted from Mr. Armstrong's nut huggers against your will?

Ball: That is 100% true, Senator. He coveted that yellow jersey and no person or spherical flesh wad was going to get in his way. I paid dearly for his ten speed bloodlust. I couldn't work for five years, my wife left me, and I was stripped of my license from the Texas Bar Association.

Senator 2: Mr. Ball, were you present for Mr. Armstrong's lascivious romance with horse faced pop singer Sheryl Crow?

Ball: Yes, Senator, I was. While not in the actual scrotal domicile, I was being kept in a jar for possible reintroduction to the groin should I comply with the team's objectives. It was my "probationary period".

Senator 2: And did you witness any sexual relations between these two ghouls?

Ball: Yes I did. Senator, I fail to see how this is relevant.

Senator 2: Just answer the questions, Mr. Ball. Did she or did she not shoot Malibu beach seawater across the room from her "rehearsal space" into Mr. Armstrong's mouth? This is relevant, sir, because Mr. Armstrong tested positive for female hormones and beluga semen. We just need to know if Ms. Crow was involved in this conspiracy.

Ball: Yes, Senator. I did witness this projectile moistening. It got all over the walls and Mr. Armstrong's collection of autographed yellow bracelets.

Senator 3: Mr. Ball, were you ever present for oily homoerotic wrestling sessions between Mr. Armstrong and sub par Hollywood actor, Matthew McConaughey?

Ball: Yes, Senator, I was. They would shoot anabolic steroids, run on the beach, touch penises and then say "no homo". It was a disgusting sight, gentlemen.

Senator 3: Well, I think we've heard all we needed to hear. Thank you, Mr. Ball for your testimony. We wish you success in your future endeavors. The process of stripping this spandex clad charlatan of his titles could not have been possible without you.

Ball: Thank you, gentlemen. I just want the most popular sport in the world to remain pure and for people who abuse the public trust to pay for their misdeeds. I hope that all this suffering and subterfuge wasn't all for nut, er, naught.

Great? Moments in Idiot Voting

 As the election draws ever nearer, I am reminded just how unfit the American public is to pick the leader of the free world. These people, of Jay Leno viewership and Coors consumption, are the last people who should be charged with such an important task. Just look at some of the other brain dead decisions they've made:

Skinny Elvis on the US Postal Service stamp. Come on. We all know fat Elvis is the REAL Elvis. Pill popping, banana sandwich eating, tv shooting fat Elvis. You blew it, America.

 The Artist gets the Oscar. While not left to the public, but their Hollywood delegates, this is still a joke. A silent movie, seriously? The best part of watching movies is listening to them while you steal music and porn on the web. I'm not going to peel my eyes away from hot goth baby sitters bouncing on fat old men just to read subtitles from a movie where French dudes tap dance to swing music.

 Taylor Hicks.

 Kasich. Ohio elects this drunken Wall Street has been as governor? Sure Strickland was a dope, but this is the best we can do? The man can hardly make it through a budget meeting without reaching for his flask full of Kentucky bourbon and Dr. Pepper. Don't be surprised if this lying sot needs a liver transplant next year. He'll probably make it a state law that everyone has to get blood tested just so he can find an appropriate match. He's the worst thing to happen to Ohio since the west Nile virus.

 A-Rod selected for any all star game after 2002. This roided up underachiever is the ugliest thing to ever strap on a batting glove. He LIED to Katie Couric's face about taking steroids. You don't lie to Katie. Plus, he looks like a rotten farmer's market brown egg. I also hate Derek Jeter, but at least Jeter shows up in October. Bronx Bomber? I think not. How about East River Floater?

Getting back to American Idol, how do you not vote for this guy? He was a national treasure in the making. Clearly, America is not up to the task of choosing anything other than what NASCAR t-shirt they are going to wear on election day. JUST STAY HOME!!

Ink Blotter

 So, we're all aware of "singer" Chris Brown's domestic abuse woes concerning fellow "singer" Rihanna. And the latest wrinkle in the story is Brown's new neck tattoo which people claim is of a beaten Ri Ri. But the warning signs were there a long time ago that Brown has anger issues with women. Let's get a closer look at some of his other tats.

Bonnie and Clyde death car with special detail paid to a bloody Bonnie.

Joan of Arc burning at the stake.

Manson murder victim, actress Sharon Tate.

 








The 1911 Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire in NYC. Some 140 female garment workers lost their lives in the disaster. Particularly gruesome.

Johnny B. Perv

Hi rock n roll fans out there! I am rock n roll hall of famer, platinum recording artist, innovative guitarist and watersports enthusiast, Chuck Berry. As you may or may not recall, I was busted in the 80's for secretly video recording women using the powder room in my southern restaurants. Let me tell you good people, nothing gets the ladies on to the pot quicker than Chuck's down home Southern Comfort platter(cornbread, greens, ribs and sweet tea). Anyhow, I was approached by some white folks with money from Los Angeles who wanted to use my old footage in a photo retrospective.

 I went back and photo processed some of my favorites using cutting edge computer technology(Windows XP). I now proudly present a sample of my body of work. And I cordially invite you to the Mendocino County Community Center Coffee Room Art Gallery to attend the gala opening of my show, the Chuck Berry Ladies' Room Surveillance Photo Exhibition. Please enjoy and feel free to swing by the gallery anytime. I will be there playing my hits and maybe working on some new artwork provided some fine sunshine state senoritas need to use the bathroom. Roll over, Annie Liebovitz!

yours truly,   
 Chuck Berry

Candlelight Vigils Throughout History

 Hiroshima

 Thomas Jefferson  (mostly his grandkids).

 FDR

 Obi Wan Kenobi

 Michael Crichton

 Last episode of Cheers(mostly white people).

That grunge guy.