My First Porno

A rite of passage for every boy is seeing his first porno mag or video. Further yet, another rite is sharing this story with your male buddies. I have heard all of my buddies' stories and countless others from radio dj's to musicians. I don't think anyone has ever heard mine. I play it pretty close to the vest. Well, here goes...

I'm fifteen. I have never seen a vagina. Sure, I had seen breasts and pubic hair since I was eight. This ranged from artsy movies to the topless calendar in my dad's workshop to the stash of Playboys belonging to my uncle(Shannen Doherty, omigod...) that I found at my grandma's house. But the whole enchilada? Nada. Then came junior year at vocational art school. My buddy had acquired some Club magazines( not about club sandwiches, though there was some meat between buns pictured) from another student. He was so riddled with guilt and afraid of his parents, that he wrapped them in plastic, soaked them in GASOLINE and deposited them in the trash can behind the school. I caught wind of this info and knew immediately what I had to do. Have my mom drive me to pick up my first hardcore porn rags. At this point all I could get my hands on was the Victoria's Secret catalog and, sadly, the underwear section of the Spiegel catalog.

So I tell my mom that another student drew some naughty cartoons disparaging the teacher, but had disposed of them. I said I wanted to retrieve them to expose said student. And she went for it! This may be the genesis of my rotten behavior. I mean my mom condoned it! So, I get the gas soaked rags, put them in a plastic bag and head home with the most anticipation I'd had since Super Mario Brothers 3 came out. Next came (as a friend of mine recently stated) a whirlwind of masturbation. That's how he described unemployment. You know what, he's right. Since then, of course, I've seen every despicable sex act(and performed a few) possible thanks to the internet. But this story harkens back to the days when seeing some punani wasn't as simple as clicking a mouse. Back then, you had to practically plan with as much detail as a bank heist.